Whispers of Light
by thought x crime
Summary: How is Selphie affected when she and Irvine are faced with an unexpected pregnancy?


"Whispers of Light" - by Allora Atwater  
  
A/N: I know there have been stories like this attempted - ones in which one of the FF8 girls gets pregnant. Sometimes they go through with the birth, and their children grow up to be healthy adolescents (i.e. Raina's awesome "Daughter of the Lion" trilogy) and other times they have their babies aborted (i.e. Satsuki's depressingly wonderful "The Freshman") but I've never seen one quite like THIS before. Sorry if there are any inaccuricies, but I've never been pregnant and therefore I can't really identify.  
  
  
A thin trickle of sunlight peeked shyly through the blinds as I tried desperately to shut it out. Normally, I found early sunrises enticing, but instead I opted to shove my head under the pillow. I wasn't sure what ailed me at the time, but said illness caused a ruckus in my stomach, shrives to the porcelain god becoming more frequent with the passing mornings. I groaned loudly, miserably, and rolled onto my back, raising my knees up to relieve some of the pressure. Groping around for a damp washcloth I had used to mop my face with the previous night, I brought it to my forehead and whimpered aloud.  
  
I knew I was being immature about the whole sick business, but I couldn't control the urge to feel sorry for myself. I hadn't told anyone about my sudden, sharp pains, or occasional bloating and overwhelming nausea. All I wanted was to get better in time to finish work on Balamb Garden's first ever Summer Festival - the brainchild of yours truly nonetheless. The season was fabulous - warm and sunny with a relaxing ocean breeze - perfect for a night of celebration. It took a little extra convincing on Squall's part, but that's why I've learned to make such good friends with Rinoa. No man could outlast the two of us in an exchange of opinions.  
  
The digital alarm beside my bed buzzed obnoxiously, ignoring my garbled protests and irritated grunts. Finally I expended all my energy in rolling over and slamming my fist over the top of it. Silence was bliss.  
  
I wasn't sure how late I'd slept in that morning, drifting in and out of cinematic dream sequences and seemingly realistic nightmares. A crisp knock at the door sent me bolt upright, limp strands of hair tickling my bare shoulders.   
"Selphie?" Rinoa sounded anxious.   
"Yeah, yeah, I'm here." I replied, rubbing my eyes vigorously. "You can come in."  
She obliged, shutting the door behind her with a soft click. Concern etched her brow as she cocked her head inquisitively. Her eyes were troubled, forcing mine to inadvertently water. I wiped them with my washcloth.  
"I hate to break it to you Selph, but contestants for the Miss Balamb pageant are supposed to be sporting swimsuit attire." she joked lightly, sitting down next to me and placing a comforting hand on my forehead. "Nevermind that. You look positively terrible enough to scare off all those congenial bimbos. Are you feeling alright?"  
The lust for sarcasm was never so strong in my body as it was just then. I was downright cranky, but I couldn't bring myself to drive her away when I knew I needed help. Resigned, I shook my head.  
"No. I feel awful, but that's just throwing you the obvious."  
"You've been feeling this way for awhile, haven't you?" Rinoa asked calmly, easing me back down against the sheets. I didn't realize how woozy I was until the ceiling seemed to fracture itself. "Have you been throwing up?"  
"Hurling my precious intestines out." I responded dryly. Rinoa giggled, then waved her hand as if to supress her mirth.  
"That's one I haven't heard before." She paused, reaching out to lift my nightshirt. Halting for a second, she looked to me. "If I may?"  
"Go ahead." I nodded my consent. I felt her hand press against my abdomen, gently prodding various spots and asking if I was in pain. Yes, a little, I would say if she hit a sore spot.  
"Are you late?" she asked me quietly, brushing the hair from my eyes.  
"Late? I -" What on earth did she mean? There was nothing going on at Garden that morning, no SeeD missions that I was made aware of. I didn't have any place to -  
It sunk in. Was I late?   
"Come to think of it..." I trailed off, my eyes snapping open to stare at Rinoa. " You don't think..."  
She held up her hands to fend off any inquiries. "I can't be the judge of that. All the signs seem to be pointing to it, but you'd be a lot safer if you saw Dr. Kadowaki."  
  
The weight of the possibility nearly made me sick all over again, but I shook my head against it. If I had in fact gotten myself pregnant, then it was my responsibility to be strong and get all the facts before succumbing to self-pity. I sat up again and Rinoa went towards my closet, selecting a skirt and loose top.   
"Here," she cooed, setting the clothes on my lap and pulling my hair back into a ponytail for me. "Put these on. They'll be nice and cool and easy to take off if Dr. Kadowaki wants to do any procedures."  
"Procedures?" I seized the word for all it was worth, buttoning up the side of the periwinkle skirt. "What kind of procedures do you think she might perform?"  
"I don't know," Rinoa replied honestly. "I don't think it would be anything invasive. Do you want me to go with you?"  
"Please," I murmured quietly. I fiddled with the buttons on my white blouse, teasing them through the holes after plenty of warfare. Rinoa offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet. She was stronger than anyone gave her credit for.  
  
We walked out of the dormitory section and turned right down the circular path. Rinoa kept a steady hand on my shoulder, and I squinted at the glare of the harsh lights. Several cadets we both knew passed by, and she would wave cordially to them, dodging any concerned looks cast my direction. You don't look that bad, she told me. I knew it was a lie. I'd gotten very little sleep and was feeling that strong nausea again. Undoubtedly morning sickness, I realized bleakly. We made it to the infirmary with little cause for complaint, Rinoa firmly leading me to the door.  
  
"Now Maynard, I don't want to see you skipping homeroom again because of these so-called headaches." Dr. Kadowaki's voice carried through the narrow hallway.  
"But Doctor, I'm serious, I always get this splitting -"  
"Maynard, you've taken enough aspirin this past week to kill a small horse. Maybe if these headaches are as frequent and painstaking as you claim, you should seek professional help outside of Garden."  
She sent the young man on his way and shook her head in exasperation.  
"More trouble with savvy slackers, Doctor?" Rinoa mused. I just stared impolitely at my feet.  
"Miss Heartilly, what a pleasure to see you." the doctor beamed. I could feel her eyes roam the top of my head, and Rinoa gave my shoulder a little squeeze.  
"This must be the patient." Dr. Kadowaki observed, taking my other shoulder and leading both me and Rinoa into her office.   
"How could you tell?" I croaked, trying to regain some semblance of glee.  
"Selphie Tilmitt not bouncing off the walls singing show tunes and making extravagant plans for the next festival? I'd say that's the most telltale symptom so far."  
Rinoa giggled and I forced a smile, happy that my image around Garden was so positive, yet saddened that I seemed to have lost that cheerful disposition. Kadowaki gestured towards an examination table upon which I sat. Rinoa took a seat in the corner of the room, flipping through an outdated tabloid.  
"What seems to be the problem Selphie?" Dr. Kadowaki asked as gently as she could.   
"Well, doctor," I began uneasily. "I've been having abnormal abdominal pain this past week, and I often wake up queasy and disoriented." I paused. "I feel miserable."  
Kadowaki scribbled on her clipboard, setting it down and folding her hands in her lap.  
"Have you been menstruating regularly this month Selphie?" I shifted uncomfortably and laced my fingers together. Rinoa peeked up from the magazine she was falsely engrossed in, and asked politely if she should leave.  
"No, no, please stay Rin." I replied hastily. Turning back to Kadowaki I leaned my head on my shoulder. "No I haven't. If I go by my previous cycle, I'm definitely late."  
More scribbling onto the notepad. "I'm assuming since you're so adamant about having Miss Heartilly with you, you don't mind any personal questions, correct?"  
"I have no secrets." My confidence regenerated. "Ask away."  
"Are you sexually active?"  
"Yes I am."  
"Have you been with more than one partner since becoming sexually active?"  
"No I haven't."  
"When was the last time you engaged in sexual intercourse?"  
Pause. "Two weeks ago."  
"And when did you notice these symptoms?"  
"Last Monday I think it was."  
"Did you use any form of proper contraceptive?"  
"Yes, we used a condom."  
"And you are aware that condoms are only in the 70-percentile range of effectiveness in preventing pregnancy?"  
"I'm aware of that."  
  
I peered over at Rinoa, who was intently scrutinizing one particular page. I wasn't sure if mention of my sex life was bothering her, but she certainly kept her ground. It was comforting to know that she was there with me, no matter how hard she pretended not to listen. Dr. Kadowaki walked out of the room for a minute, and neither one of us said anything. The constant hum of the air conditioner soon became a burden, and Rinoa set down her magazine to look at me. Before she could speak, the doctor came back in and handed me a small, long box.  
"I want you to go into the bathroom two doors down on the right and follow the instructions in the box. It's fairly easy to use, and should only take about two minutes for accurate results. Let me know what shows up, and we'll decided what to do from there."  
A pregnancy test. She wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I sighed audibly, and Rinoa walked up to give me a reassuring hug.  
"Don't worry. No matter what it says, you won't be alone for this."  
"Thanks Rin." I whispered, biting back tears. The doctor smiled sympathetically and led me out the door.  
  
I walked into the bathroom and opened the box. I knew how these things worked, and waited for it to completely saturate. At first, all I saw was the gray monochrome screen. And then, ever so faintly, a blue line appeared. I had fought against carnivorous monsters, ruthless sorceresses, and corrupt figures of power, all without complaint. I had seen my beloved home be blown to hell, and not shed a tear. And now, with a lucid sapphire plus sign making itself clear as day to my disbelieving eyes, I felt the worst pain I'd ever experienced. Babies were beautiful, a true gift from heaven. There was a child slowly forming in my womb, a part of me as well as a part of the man I loved. I had solid proof, as if the unusual morning sickness and bloating was not enough, here I had evidence that I was pregnant. And I burst into choking sobs.  
  
"Oh HYNE!" I shrieked, disposing of that taunting reminder. "Oh dear sweet Hyne..."  
A ginger knock at the door sent me whirling.  
"Selph?" It was Rinoa. "Selphie, it's gonna be okay. I know you must be upset, but please come out here so Dr. Kadowaki and I can help you decide what you're going to do."  
I wanted to open the door and throttle her. Did she have any clue what she was talking about? It wasn't like I had cancer or AIDS... that I could deal with. I could handle my own life, but trying to decide the outcome of another? Let alone many? I knew it even in my hysteria, I knew that this baby would not only affect my life, but Irvine's as well as everyone close to us. The Garden Committee... SeeD... I would have to give it all up...  
  
I opened the door, my lips quivering and my nose twitching, shudders wracking my entire body. My knees felt like Jell-O, and my slight stomach felt as delicate as glass. Rinoa held her arms out to me and let me collapse, touching my hair soothingly.  
"You're not alone Selphie, you don't have to do this by yourself. Come on, we're going to go tell the doctor the news."  
I let her guide me back to the room and help me onto the table. By then I had calmed down slightly, vowing to stay strong. My decisions had caused me to be in the position I was in, and I had to handle them the best I could.  
"Selphie," Dr. Kadowaki began quietly, taking my hands. "I know this is a lot to take in for a girl your age. I'm sure you have a million thoughts going through your head right now, and it's a lot for me to ask you to decide on any one thing. Right now, as I see it, you have three options. You keep the baby, you put it up for adoption, or you have the pregnancy aborted."  
I shook my head violently. "I'm not having an abortion. And I can't - I don't want my child to wonder where his true parents are, not like I did. I'm keeping my baby." I clutched my stomach for emphasis.  
"Selphie, maybe you should talk to Irvine about this." Rinoa suggested lightly. "It's his child, isn't it? I think he has a right to know what's going on."  
"Yeah." I nodded feebly. "Oh Hyne. This is going to ruin his life."  
"I wouldn't say that Selph. I think you are his life." Rin smiled lightly.  
  
Dr. Kadowaki handed me a paper cup full of water. I downed it thirstily, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.  
"Thank you."  
She ignored me. "Selphie, I want you to know that your decision does not have to be final. If you feel any different about this during the next week, you're free to come down here with Irvine and discuss the remaining options with me. My door is always open."  
"What if she experiences anything out of the norm?" Rinoa piped up, looking genuinely interested in my well being.  
"Of course, if you are suffering from severe and erratic pain in your stomach, dehydration, or abnormal bleeding, you need to see me immediately."  
"Anything else I should know?" My voice regained a little of its strong timbre after such reassurance.  
"Well, if you decide to have this baby, I'd like to do an ultrasound somewhere near the middle of your pregnancy, to make sure you and the baby aren't in any danger. If you'd for any reason decide to give him or her up for adoption, I'd also like to help you explore possible homes."  
I nodded numbly, already aware that, no matter what Irvine or Dr. Kadowaki said, I was keeping this child. Rinoa's fingers played with a few strands of my hair, catching me off guard for a minute.   
"Thank you so much, Dr. Kadowaki," I said, smiling brightly.   
"Any time. Now go along and share the news with your boyfriend. I'm sure I have another case of the measles to diagnose."  
  
I walked out of the clinic feeling a huge weight on my shoulders, yet I was strong enough to carry it. Rinoa walked next to me the entire time, absently taking in the same bland scenery we witnessed every day.  
"You know, Rinoa, this means I can't be a part of the Festival Committee anymore. Or SeeD. I'm gonna be an idle Garden hen."  
She giggled a little. "I wouldn't say that. Sure, as your - well, you know - progresses, you'll be forced to be less active, but it doesn't mean you're just going to sit around. I'm sure Cid will find something productive for you to do that won't endanger you in your current state."  
"Yeah, I'll bet you're right," I grinned, my previous nausea disappearing. "Besides, if I can't work on the Garden Festival, they'd better bet I'll sit there and direct everyone!"  
"Exactly," Rinoa agreed. We reached the dorms again, and she stopped herself from entering with me. "I'm going to go get Irvine. The sooner you tell him, the better. And if it's alright with you, I think I'll go talk to Quistis about it." She checked her watch. "Her next class isn't for another twenty minutes."  
  
I didn't understand why Rinoa would want to tell Quistis of all people. I would figure she'd tell Squall and Cid and even Zell before it became any of Quisty's business. Not that any of us harbored a special disdain for her; quite the contrary, we adored her and all she'd done to support us as individuals and Garden as a whole. She just seemed like the least comforting person at the time. I shrugged.  
"It's fine. I don't want to keep this a secret from anyone." Instinctively, my hand went across my stomach. "I'm gonna go lay down for awhile, and try to absorb all of this."  
"Good," Rinoa patted my arm. "I'll be stopping by a little later, and we'll have lunch."  
I laughed. "I'll certainly be working up an appetite since I'm eating for two now."  
"It's good that you're in high spirits about all this," she smiled at me. "Now you go take a little cat nap, and leave everything else to me!"  
  
I took her on her word and headed for my dorm. With each step, I felt heavier and heavier, nearly unable to carry myself any longer. I was now a statistic, a figure for teen pregnancy. I would no longer be an average 18-year-old girl. My job, my personal life, my extracurricular activities would all be put on hold for this child. It was too much, too fast, and I felt utterly alone. Nine months of idle time, passing my days with boring hobbies, while I grew larger and less able to function on my own. After that? I'd be waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, breastfeeding, burping, and nurturing a baby. If that weren't enough, I'd worry about instilling the proper beliefs and morals into my child's mind, providing enough love and support to get him through his teenage years, and offering the right amount of consolation balanced with discipline. I would be a mother to a child, something I knew very little about, not having my own set of parental units.  
  
I laid on my bed for countless minutes, each second passing by with the prolixity of an hour, every slight structural disturbance sending my senses in a frenzy. A firm but quiet knock interrupted my train of thought, and I gave my consent for the visitor's entrance. It was Irvine.  
"Hey sweetie," he smiled, removing his hat. "Rinoa told me you've been a little under the weather lately."  
"Yeah," I nodded, smoothing out the wrinkles in my blouse. He took a seat next to me and laid me back down against the pillows, kissing my damp forehead.   
"What's the matter darlin'? It's not like you to be so pessimistic. That's Squall's job."  
I sighed, reaching for his hand. He closed his fingers around mine and studied my face as I took in his own. I could see unconfuted inquietude etched across his strong features, no trace of knowledge towards my current state.  
"Irvine," I began, using his full name rather than our childhood nicknames. "I never thought the day would come when I'd have to tell you this, and now that it has, I have absolutely no idea how to start." My word choice was all wrong and only served to worry him more. He probably thought I was in the process of breaking up with him, or telling him I had some terminal illness with only three weeks' leeway left to live. I sat up again and looked him straight in the eyes. "I'm pregnant."  
  
Time stopped and I could no longer look at him.  
"You found this out today?" he asked gently. I nodded.  
"Are you going to leave me?" My voice lilted fear and desperation. He grunted inexquisitely.  
"Leave you Sefie? Have you lost your mind? Nothing has changed between us." he emphasized his words with a heavy kiss. "The way I see it, we were just forced to grow up a little faster than we needed to. But we're in this together."  
"Then you aren't upset?" I sniffled stupidly, awash in bliss at his understanding. He shook his head.  
"Well, I won't lie and tell you I'm not a little taken by all of this. It's a lot of responsibility that I don't know how to handle just yet. But if it's the price I have to pay to be with you, then I'll do it willingly."  
My face scrunched up in a contorted sob as I threw myself into his arms. "I love you!"  
"Love you too Seph." he breathed into my hair, coaxing a few more tears from me. My face was raw by now, but it didn't matter. "And we've got everyone behind us on this, I know it. I'm gonna go talk to Headmaster Cid about all of this, okay?"  
I whimpered a little bit, afraid of what my surrogate father would think. But, Irvine had a way with words, and I didn't doubt his ability to properly inform Cid and Squall about my current condition.  
"He'll understand, Sefie, don't worry." he tilted my chin and gave me a quick kiss. "Don't want to make you any sicker than you already are." he grinned. I slapped his shoulder, my eyes misting over again. He headed out the door when I heard him talking to someone. His tone seemed light enough, and his words were determined, though I couldn't make them out. Footsteps traced his path to my room and opened my door. Rinoa's head poked in.  
"Mind if I join you?"  
  
I waved her in, my eyes still puffy from the rivers I'd cried that morning. She shut the door behind her, carrying a large wicker basket with her. I cocked my head inquisitively at her, and she halted my questions with a hand.  
"Let's get you into something more comfortable first." She told me, setting the basket on my dresser. I watched as she retrieved a pair of pajama pants and a loose tank top from one of the drawers and handed them to me. While she politely turned her back, I gratefully changed clothes, feeling ten times more comfortable in my bedtime attire. I cleared my throat and she turned back from the window, grabbing a brush from my nightstand and braiding my shoulderlength hair.  
"There we go," she murmured, finally satisfied with my appearance. I felt helpless, having her do the things I was fully able to do.  
"You don't have to treat me like an invalid, though the help is much appreciated."  
She sat down in front of me with the wicker basket.   
"I'm not treating you like an invalid, Selphie. I'm trying my best to support you right now. I can't imagine what you're going through, so I'm helping in the only ways I can."  
"Thank you so much, Rinoa." I might have cried if there were any tears left in me. She leaned over to give me a hug.   
"Any time. Now why don't we put some food in your system?" she suggested, pulling out sandwich squares, sliced apples and crackers. I felt like a little girl having a slumber party with her best friend as we sipped our fruit juice. It was a welcomed escape, seeing as how I would soon be far from a little girl anymore.  
"I heard things like caffeine were unhealthy during pregnancy," Rinoa informed me. "So I didn't include any soda or junk food. Sorry if you feel deprived." We giggled.  
"No, it's wonderful, really it is."  
"Thank you!" she beamed proudly. I'll bet Squall never praised her cooking abilities much. "I talked to Quistis."  
"And?" I took a bite of an apple slice. Green apples were my favorite, crisp and sour.  
"And she wants you to know that you have her unyielding support."  
"That's good to know." I smiled to myself. I glanced up at Rinoa, who devoured another sandwich square shamelessly. She looked a little fatigued, as I'm sure she'd done a lot of running around that morning. I leaned over to give her another hug.  
"Thanks Rinoa, I really mean it. For not knowing anything of how I'm feeling, you sure know the right things to say and do."   
I doubt anyone had ever shown her such gratitude, even Squall. People would sometimes see us as frivolous and flakey teenyboppers, but they never knew who we really were. Rinoa went above and beyond to help me feel at ease with my pregnancy, and I couldn't have asked for a better friend.  
  
***  
  
For the next three months, I remained active at Garden, directing the festival workers and offering my assistance where I could. Everyone was very supportive of Irvine's and my choice to keep the baby, who was due in February. My stomach swelled with pride and joy, giving Rinoa and I a reason to make a shopping trip in Balamb. Most of the maternity clothes looked too old for my taste, but she helped me pick out a new wardrobe that didn't make me appear too terribly garish.   
  
Rinoa offered me perhaps even more consolation than even Irvine, always checking on me in the mornings and providing me with back rubs and ginger ale to ease the fleeting sickness. She wouldn't go a day without coming to visit me, taking me to lunch and out on walks, bringing me small gifts of scented candles and reading material. Even the little things she would do for me, like brushing my hair or painting my toenails. She enlisted the help of all the junior classmen in making the Summer Festival a success, and helped me plan events on the Garden calendar. Though we'd known each other for over a year, I felt like we had finally formed a friendship that outlasted any other.  
  
Irvine did his best to provide me with comfort and security throughout the early stages of my pregnancy as well. We would oftentimes lay in the field together, taking turns regaling tales of yore to the unborn child in my womb, and basking in the balmy weather. He enjoyed speaking to the baby, which we heard from Dr. Kadowaki was proven to stimulate speech patterns early on. We had no official plans to marry, although the topic arose every now and then. We decided that, between SeeD affairs and preparing for a child to enter our lives, we really couldn't afford to disrupt the current harmony with a ceremony. It wouldn't do justice to our relationship, and we decided to wait for a better time. Weddings were supposed to be every girl's dream, but I wasn't too addicted to the notion. Irvine and I had no need to exchange vows in the house of Hyne; we were already committed to one another.  
  
Squall was probably more shaken than Irvine was upon discovering my pregnancy. It must've been a wonder to him, seeing one of his few close friends undergo such rapid changes in body and mind. I had matured a lot since that day in Kadowaki's office, forcing myself to think and act like a responsible adult. I had inspired Squall and Rinoa to remain abstinent until they were married and prepared for the consequences. It might have bothered some people, seeing that their lapses in judgement caused their friends to make the right choice, whereas they themselves were stuck with the punishment. Cheap tuition, as Cid called it. But I was glad that I could indirectly influence them to draw better conclusions. I was proud that I could offer guidance to the man who always seemed to guide me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  
  
Cid and Edea were incredibly sensitive to my needs, and Cid told me that he would find every way he could to utilize my skills throughout the course of my pregnancy. Edea was proud that I decided to keep the child, and offered to help raise my newborn. The minute Zell found out, he swept me up in a backbreaking hug, letting go in fear that he might have damaged the fetus. He became one of my hardest workers during the festival, whenever he could spare the time. Quistis was the only one who seemed to treat me normally, without any special regards to my condition. I knew that was her way of trying to normalize the situation for me, and I appreciated it.  
  
Rinoa had been right; I was not alone. I had friends - no, family - that were on call 24/7. Back at Trabia, I had seen girls as young as fourteen getting knocked up, and I'd often hear the nasty whispers that circulated around them. No one, that I had seen or heard, had spoken ill of me since noticing the bulge in my belly. Every night I would sing to the baby, or tell him stories. I'd been referring to him using masculine pronouns, though I was all but sure he was really a 'he' and not a 'she'. The gender of my child was not important, but it helped me familiarize myself with him. I'd taken to calling him Justice, Justice Brennan. The name spawned from the back of my mind, and stuck. Irvine and I agreed that, if we did in fact have a baby boy, his name would be Justice Brennan Kinneas. Just the thought warmed my heart.  
  
It was still difficult dealing with the constant reminder that my body was a house for two. Rinoa helped me watch my diet, and made sure I took the right vitamins. I tried to remain physically active without straining myself. Even Quistis would stop by with her professional advice and informational brochures on teenage pregnancy, risk factors involved, and ways to stay healthy during pregnancy. She'd often worry that her offerings were too bleak, but I assured her that any information I could soak up would be helpful in the future. Many of the possible complications frightened me, but I reminded myself that as long as I continued to treat myself with care, the baby would be just fine.  
  
The baby became more and more a part of me with each breath I took. By September, four months into my pregnancy, I was positively smitten with him. I'd take time to work with the younger students at Garden, feeling my heart swell with maternal pride as they learned new lessons each day. It was amazing how sentimental I was becoming, praying for the time when Justice would run to me with a drawing he had made or a test he had passed. I would lie awake at night, picturing him in my mind as the young man I would raise him to be. Tall like his father, with mussed brown hair and deep emerald eyes. He would have Irvine's charm and my love for life. He'd be smart, if a little reckless, but certainly rational when the occasion arose. Loving, kind, compassionate. Strong, a keen sense of sight and sound, with agile limbs and a quick wit. I would encourage him to try new things and not be afraid to be himself. Irvine would tell him to make his mother proud, to honor himself and his beliefs, to protect those he cared for. Justice Brennan would be the perfect, harmonious blend of both Irvine and myself.  
  
Such thoughts made me anxious to give birth, wanting so badly to love and nurture my baby boy. To teach him his first words, watch as he played catch with his father, show him how to swim, how to read, how to ride a bike. Help him decipher good from bad, right from wrong, and let him make his own decisions about how he wants to present himself to the world. Inspire him to experiment with everything he can, from sports, to art, to scholastics, to swordplay. All the things I could introduce him to, the music, the books, the people, the places. Never had I been so eager to share my past, present and future with anyone. But now, I desperately wanted to breathe the very essence of my idealism into Justice Brennan.  
  
As Dr. Kadowaki instructed, I visited the infirmary around my fifth month to have an ultrasound. Rinoa accompanied me, sitting in a chair next to the examination table as the doctor rubbed a clear gel on my protruding stomach. She held my hand and the two of us watched the screen in awe, seeing my baby for the first time. The doctor frowned for a few minutes, but assured me that everything seemed normal, and that no signs of complications were evident. She also informed me that my suspicions were correct, and I was carrying a boy. I shared the news with Irvine that night, ecstatically rambling on about how precious the moment was, seeing the child that was inside of me, knowing that his gender was confirmed. I felt a great surge of pride, knowing that my instincts could predict such a thing. Justice and I formed a bond more than physical, and he wasn't even born.  
  
My body was taking the changes roughly, my small frame unused to carrying the extra weight. My back began to hurt, and my ankles were swelling. I was forced to spend more and more time relaxing, much as I wanted to get up and be a part of the action. When Irvine was away attending to official SeeD business, I'd spend my afternoons outside, bundled under a tree with a book. I'd read to Justice, and talk to him as if he was a confidante. I'd share with him my fears and inhibitions about becoming a young mother, reassuring him that I would do my best to be sure he would grow up with love and respect. Irvine and I would raise him well, and our friends would aid us with their wisdom and kindness. Justice would grow up in a diverse environment, from which I was sure he'd learn much about life and simple human decency.  
  
Irvine and I would lay out beneath that same tree at nights when he would return from his business, his arms gingerly around me and the baby. Instead of sharing the latest SeeD mission with me, he would simply talk to Justice about what a wonderful life he would have with us. Through all of my suffering and misgivings, I was truly glad to be pregnant, and ready to raise a child. True, it would probably mark the end of my career as a SeeD, but I could always become an Instructor. I actually looked forward to such a position, working with the younger cadets and shaping the start of their futures. My past accomplishments were enough, and now I was ready to settle down.  
  
Amazing how, a year before, I was inventing my own slang and singing silly train songs, intent on milking my childhood for all it was worth. And yet, at only eighteen, I was ready to put my nunchaku away and realize that 'booyaka' was not a proper interjection. I was at seven and a half months, and although I was ready to get the baby out of me, I wasn't expected my lamenting to be answered.  
  
It was 12:37am, and a sharp pain hit my abdomen. A contraction. I didn't panic, just calmly laid between the sheets, waiting for another pain to hit and measuring the time between them. The next one came at 12:42. I wasn't sure what to make of it; I knew that contractions indicated that I was going into labor, but my water had not broke. Resisting the urge to cry out and wake the surrounding cadets, I hobbled out of bed, threw on a bathrobe, and waddled towards Rinoa's room.  
  
Garden was incredibly dark at night, the hallways dimly lit by a string of fluorescent lightbulbs. My mind whirled with harrowing possibilities, but I forced myself to stay calm. I quickly padded down the hall, holding my stomach and praying that another contraction would hold off until I got help. I knocked frantically on her door, keeping the volume down, but the tempo hasty. I heard Rinoa moan in her sleep, roll out of bed and ask who was there.  
  
"It's me," I rasped, hoping she'd recognize my panicked voice. "Please Rin, I need to go straight to the infirmary!"  
The door swung open, revealing Rinoa in her pajamas, wide awake.  
"What's wrong? Are you in any pain?" She gently felt my stomach.  
"Contractions." I hissed between gritted teeth.  
"Oh shit." She swore. "Are you sure?"  
"Yes I'm sure." I kept my voice steady. "I need to go, right now."  
"Right. Come on." she linked my arm to hers and walked briskly, making sure I wasn't in silent pain. I knew I should go to Irvine, but for some reason, I needed Rinoa there. Something told me that Irvine would only cause me more concern.  
  
The guards were at their posts, two holding steady in front of the infirmary. I wondered bleakly how much trouble they would give us before we weasled our way in.  
"Excuse me." One stopped us, holding out a hand. "This area is off limits after hours."  
"My name is Rinoa Heartilly, I need to see Dr. Kadowaki." Rinoa replied coolly. "If you'll excuse us."  
"Wait just a minute there Miss Heartilly -"  
"My water broke!" I shrieked, no longer caring if my distress interrupted anyone's slumber. "For Hyne's sake, get the hell out of my way!"  
The guards obliged, looking a little spooked. Rinoa practically ran to Dr. Kadowaki's office, dismayed upon finding her assistant instead.  
"I need Dr. Kadowaki." She growled tersely. "The sooner the better."  
"Y-yes, right away ma'am!" The young lady behind the desk ran out of the room to retrieve Dr. Kadowaki. Rinoa took matters into her own hands, leading me to the nearest bed and helping me lie down.  
"Just breathe, come on Sefie, like this." She demonstrated the proper breathing technique and I tried my best to follow her lead. Another contraction sent my muscles spasming. Rinoa held my hand, enduring each painful squeeze with hardly a grimace of discomfort.   
  
Dr. Kadowaki walked in the room, appearing tired, but determined.  
"Doctor, her water broke." Rinoa tried to keep her voice calm.  
"This isn't good," Kadowaki assessed the obvious. "The baby is almost two months premature. We're going to need to transfer you to an actual hospital Selphie."   
"She can't give birth here?" Rinoa's voice cracked, sounding outraged. "The baby is coming now!"  
"Rinoa, I highly doubt that the baby is developed enough to breathe on his own. This clinic is simply not equipped to handle a situation like this."  
I tried to drown out her words and focus on my baby. Little Justice Brennan... he would make it. I knew he was a strong baby, and I was just as determined to see him live. Another contraction. Kadowaki was right; they didn't have the equipment to handle a situation like mine. I didn't care. Rinoa grasped my hand tighter.  
"I'm not leaving," I cried out. "I'm having this baby right now, I can't go anywhere!"  
The doctor stood in a controlled frenzy, full knowing that she wasn't qualified to assist me and torn by the fact that there was really nothing she could do.   
"Miriam!" she yelled to her assistant. "I need you to wake the Commander, as well as Instructor Trepe and Irvine Kinneas. Their dorm numbers are located in the computer file."  
The girl did as she was told, pressing a few keys and pulling up room numbers. She printed out a sheet and ran out the door.  
"She's a quick little thing." Kadowaki smiled tightly. "Your friends will be here soon. In the meantime, Rinoa, you watch over her and make sure she keeps breathing regularly. Selphie, spread your legs and keep your knees up. I'm going to get some towels."  
  
I repeated my breathing patterns, looking frantically at Rinoa, who was biting her lower lip. She was as scared as I was, and yet, she didn't know my child the way I did. I knew he would make it. She on the other hand, did not. She reached up to stroke my hair and ease my frayed nerves, humming 'Eyes on Me' for a few moments. Every time I felt a contraction, I'd give a little push, and give Rinoa's hand a tight squeeze. Dr. Kadowaki returned with plenty of towels, several of which went under my legs. Rinoa took one of the damp ones and mopped my face with it. A warm, wet washcloth was placed over my stomach, and Dr. Kadowaki put on a pair of latex gloves.  
  
"Where is she?!" Irvine hollered, presumably at Miriam who would most certainly stutter at his admission.  
"I-in the room with the doctor, right over there!" It wasn't like Irvine to be short with a lady. No one else bothered to ask questions, already under the assumption that Miriam wouldn't know the answers. Irvy burst in, his eyes wild with fear.  
"Oh Sefie..." I must've looked terrible. His face reflected a pain far worse than my own. I tried my very hardest to give him a reassuring grin, but it turned out weak and helpless. To the best of my knowledge, Quistis and Squall were speaking with Dr. Kadowaki. She would tell them what she told me, that I would need to be moved. She would tell them that it's far too soon for me to start giving birth and that the baby would doubtfully survive.  
  
Irvine took Rinoa's place holding my hand, and I stared after her. My friend, my best friend. She looked positively drained, standing there in her blue cotton pajamas, hair gathered in a messy ponytail. Throughout the past seven and a half months of my pregnancy, she did her best to make me comfortable, and always with a smile. She would do a week's worth of laundry for me, putting every garment away in its proper place, or sit with me when I had trouble falling asleep. Every time she held my hair back when I paid homage to the porcelain throne, every time she prepared a warm bath for me when my back was sore, every time she'd sit out during a social event to console me when I was being emotional. I flashed her a tight smile and she responded with her own, tears welling up in her eyes.   
  
Irvine wiped the beading sweat from my forehead, whispering words of love and comfort as Squall and Quistis entered the room. The SeeD Commander stared at me with wonder, my face twisted up in a pained expression. Rinoa put an arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder, flinching in surprise as he hugged her tightly to him.   
"Selphie, if there's anything I can do I want you to know -"  
"I know Squall, thank you." Another contraction, this one far worse than my previous ones. Dr. Kadowaki heard my anguished cry and ran in with Quistis. Irvine shifted about nervously, and Quistis came to my other side, placing a hand behind my neck.  
"Here," she cooed gently, coaxing my lips apart and placing two small white pills beneath my tongue. "Let those dissolve in your mouth. They'll help to decrease the pain, and they're herbal, so there won't be any harm done to the baby."  
I tried to thank her through gritted teeth, but we both knew pleasantries weren't necessary. She kissed my forehead and her mouth quivered a bit before she turned away. No one stopped her from leaving, knowing full well that her presence was not required in a room full of anxious teenagers. The fewer people that were there, the better.   
  
Quistis was right, her herbal remedy considerably lessened my pain. The contractions still caused me sharp pangs of discomfort, but they were more bearable. Irvine stared into my eyes, looking like a sad puppy dog. I saw no more of the charming womanizer in him, but only a man starving for a miracle. At first, he had been afraid to become a father at such a young age, just as I had been afraid of becoming a teenage mother. Gradually, our fears dissolved, and I soon realized he wanted this child as badly as I did. A part of us to share our love with... what more could we ask for? He ducked his head and pressed his dry lips against my clammy knuckles.  
  
For the following four hours, Dr. Kadowaki did her best to help me give birth to my child, commanding me to push at every contraction. Rinoa and Squall, when not locked in an embrace, would get me more towels, and Irvine sat steadfast by my bedside, encouraging me with every ounce of faith he had. Rinoa, with a little extra convincing from Dr. Kadowaki and Irvine, finally sent Squall off to bed. He had duties to attend to later in the day, and could not afford to go without sleep. Rin promised to let him know if we needed anything, and although I was touched by his reluctance to leave, I couldn't voice my thanks. I think he knew, because he had suffered silently inside for so long, that I was truly grateful for his support. Placing a chaste kiss on his girlfriend's cheek, he walked out of the infirmary.  
  
One final push, with Rinoa and Irvine at either of my sides, and the baby was out of me and in Dr. Kadowaki's hands. My vision was blurred with tears and drowsiness, and Rinoa abandoned my hand to hold my newborn as the doctor cut the umbilical cord. Without a single complaint on either side, Rinoa wiped me down with warm, wet towels, and got me a fresh blanket. Dr. Kadowaki wiped the baby off and handed him to Irvine and I.  
  
"Shouldn't he be crying?" Irvine asked, concerned.  
"It's normal for babies to cry when they're first born, but it's not uncommon if they don't." Kadowaki replied. I drowned out their words and looked at my baby... my beautiful Justice Brennan. I had given myself false hope by believing he would survive the night. I knew, just by looking at his tiny, shriveled frame, that he would never live to read his first book, drive his first car, go on his first date. He'd never have the chance to grow up and make his own decisions, because fate had decided for him. The doctor bit her lip, trying to keep from saying anything. She knew it too. I wasn't sure if Irvine did, but the doctor and I knew there was nothing left to do.  
  
The infant wiggled a little in my arms, his face contorted in agony. He couldn't breathe very well, and there was nothing we could do. At that point, there was nothing I even wanted to do. I knew that fate had wanted it to be this way, and in my fragile state, even if we'd flown to Esthar in the Ragnarok and seen the best physician, I still would've lost the baby. It was Hyne's way of telling me that I too was just a child growing up in a constantly changing world. I was sad, but somehow I knew this wouldn't be the first time Justice Brennan would be around. He'd be reborn one day, the same soul in another body, and when I was ready to take proper care of a baby, he would be given back to me.  
  
Justice took in one deep breath, then another. And then his little chest caved in, the sickening sight of his underdeveloped rib cage poking out through pallid skin haunting Irvine.  
"Oh, Hyne..." he looked like he would pass out. I stroked his hair.  
"He's dead. But he'll be back." I told him lightly.  
  
I cared that my baby was dead. I cried, my shoulders shaking silently as I mourned the loss of Justice Brennan. Irvine cried as well, slightly more audibly than I had, and he held me for a long time to comfort himself. Dr. Kadowaki told him that he should leave, that I was in shock, and Rinoa came in shortly after his departure. She laid a hand on my forehead and smiled forlornly at me. Armed with a tissue, she expertly wiped away the traces of saline on my face, and leaned in to braid my hair for me. It would take a long time for me to recover, physically and emotionally. Somehow, without a word between us, Rinoa understood my quiet grievances. She didn't offer me any words of solace, because she knew there was nothing to say that would ease my pain.   
  
I laid back on the stiff pillow behind me, too exhausted to request one downier. Rinoa traced circles on my forearm, calming me and regulating my raspy breaths. A whisper of light shone through the blinds, stirring the dust particles to dance in its radiance as it announced the December sun. There would be no snow this season, only light. And that was the last thing I reached for before succumbing to a welcoming slumber.  
  
*t h e e n d*  



End file.
